I Am My Own Worst Enemy: 5 Ways We Self-Defeat

“Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.” -Michael Pritchard, acclaimed keynote speaker, wellness coach and youth guidance motivator

If you google “I am my own worst enemy,” you’ll find that it’s an incredibly common refrain. Apparently, when it comes to progress and success, we know that we are, indeed, our own worst enemies.

In my experience, our most destructive self-defeating attitude — the one that seems to be the common denominator in nearly all our self-defeating behaviors, whether business- or relationship-related — is fear.

Fear is the root of most self-defeating behaviors

Fear manifests itself in a wide variety of interesting and self-destructive ways, including:

1) Procrastination (fear of missing out, fear of imperfection, fear of making mistakes)

2) Filtering (fear of being hurt, fear of being rejected, fear of not being good enough)

3) Prejudice (fear of the unknown, fear of not belonging, fear of being taken advantage of)

4) Avoiding conflict (fear of not being liked, fear of being wrong, fear of being rejected)

5) Defensiveness (fear of what others think of you, fear of someone “getting over on you,” fear of being seen as weak)

Procrastination: Avoiding the Inevitable

My biggest self-defeating behavior is procrastination. If a project is going to take longer than half a day, I put it off out of fear of missing out on something more fun, like research, writing, or social media. David Dadekian, a well-known photographer and blogger, shares the same tendency. When asked how he self-defeats David answered, “Self-defeat? I spend too much time on Twitter and Facebook!”

Procrastinators have a dangerous relationship with social media. I don’t know if David Dadekian would agree that his “spent time” on Facebook and Twitter is born of fear of anything, but mine is. It’s fear of missing out on some important piece of information. Transfer this over to the business world, and I can spend more time avoiding work than I would spend just doing it and getting it out of the way.

Procrastination worked well for me in college, when I could pull an all-nighter and pump out an A+ 20-page term paper like nobody’s business, books scattered around my living room floor waiting to be gleaned for footnotes and then listed in a hefty bibliography. That modus operandi doesn’t work so well in most other areas. I can’t fit in a month’s worth of working out in one night, so my YMCA membership sits unused, pulling $60 a month from my bank account in vain. I should fear dying young more than I fear missing out on having fun.

I’ve found a solution to my procrastination: Time Mapping. Of course, it only works when I use it.

Filtering: Assuming the Worst

Another self-defeating attitude is called “filtering,” and occurs when we make assumptions about ourselves or others based on past experiences. For example, if your childhood or adolescent years were filled with rejection, you may be especially affected by the slightest criticism in adulthood, to the point of dwelling on it exclusively. This kind of filtering can lead to a fear of taking risks, which left unchecked leads to apathy and paralysis, a deadly combination in business.

Paul Geffen, a Social Media Adviser and blogger, may be using filtering when he withdraws in response to delayed approval. He responded, “Self defeat? I get impatient and want approval right away. If I don’t get it soon enough I withdraw & then ignore the praise.” In Paul’s February 2, 2010 blog post, though, he wrote, “Am so much more productive now that I am not afraid to be ridiculous.” Paul knows himself, and knows what he needs to do to beat his inner enemy: be willing to look ridiculous!

Demonizing those we disagree with causes misunderstanding and deeper divisions

Filtering can lead to other self-defeating behaviors, such as shutting off relationships. One way filtering hurts relationships is when we focus on a negative or annoying quality in someone to the exclusion of all their positive qualities, and end the relationship or refuse to get to know someone better. In the business world, where relationships are paramount, this is a dangerous way to live and can have a ripple effect. We often forget that the person we shut off has other relationships that could be important to us either personally or in business.

Prejudice: Blanket Judgments

Prejudice is a form of filtering that can shut off important relationships meant to bring about deeper understanding of our differences if we would just listen openly and honestly. One need only look to the political world in America today to see the ugliness of prejudice and the division it causes. Many Republicans see Democrats as uneducated or “Kool-Aid drinkers” (referencing Jim Jones and the Jonestown Massacre), while many Democrats see Republicans as greedy or hyper-religious. Both assumptions are prejudiced, labeling people based on assumptions about them as individuals, effectively closing down communication between differing points of view and stifling civil discourse and understanding. Rush Limbaugh has made a fortune off our prejudices, as have many others in his position of being paid to exploit our fears of “those people we’re so different from.”

In the business world, prejudice can cause us to go so far as to refuse to do business with those who have different political or religious beliefs from us, causing deeper divisions and greater prejudice on both sides. I’ve seen Facebook and Twitter users “unfriend” or “block” people with different political or religious views, rather than keep lines of communication open. In the business world, burning bridges can come back to haunt you. Prejudice grows where communication is stifled. Divisions become deeper. Loyalties are divided.

Avoiding conflict and defensiveness? There’s no need to explain either of those self-defeating behaviors or give examples. We’ve all been on both sides of this same coin at one point or another. Both of these are born of fear, and both are destructive in their own ways.

Scott Sainsbury of BluePoint Agency, a Boston-based ad agency, listed all of these and many more on our Facebook when we asked “How do you self-defeat?” He jokingly decided to put off sharing which of them he practices, by taking a nap. Perhaps he’s beaten them all!

So, readers, how have you been your own worst enemy? Can you share an anecdote we can learn from?

How have you beaten one or more of your own self-defeating attitudes or behaviors? What have been the positive results, either in relationships or in business?

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Michelle handles all Social Media for New England Multimedia. You can contact her by email, on our Facebook, or on our Twitter.